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Hello TJ,
Thanks for writing.

Freshman year can be tough for girls. There are a lot of pressures. In light of this, I am wondering how your daughter seems to be doing in other areas of her life. Is she involved with friends and/or activities? Is she keeping up with her school work and other responsibilities? Is she energetic and happy in general, or does she seem sullen, withdrawn and unhappy in general? Have there been any signs of restrictive eating, sleep problems, or other behavioral concerns? In any case your concerns about her self-image are understandable, but if she seems somewhat depressed overall, I would feel more concerned. I also wonder whether what you are seeing and hearing has surfaced recently, or if your daughter has been expressing these feelings and covering up her body for a while. Regardless, it is painful enough to learn that your daughter feels bad about herself. In addition it is confusing when her perceptions of herself seem distorted.

It sounds like on some level she is telling you about her feelings, which is very good. However I think it is possible that in your efforts to reassure her and help her to see herself as you see her, you may be inadvertently sending a message that you are not able to really listen to how she feels. While you know she is striking in appearance and has beautiful eyes and hair, she may not see herself this way. It is important that you try to meet her where she is coming from. That is, instead of countering her comments about herself as untrue, it is important that you validate that she is apparently feeling unattractive, and ask her if she will tell you more about how she has come to feel this way. In order to help, you must see if you can see things through her eyes.

I know it may sound odd, but you may want to start with an apology. Tell her you have thought about it, and now realize that in trying to reassure her (because you truly see her beauty), you may have made her feel like you didn’t want to hear about how badly she feels and what she thinks. I know I have had to do this with my daughter, and trust me, it can help to open things up to acknowledge that you have been trying to make her feel better rather than really listening. If she can trust that you will hear her (and won’t tell her that she shouldn’t feel that way), she may be able to let you know when and how she started to feel as she does. Then you will be better able to understand the basis of her feelings and will know better how to either just listen or to guide her. If she seems depressed, I would ask if she would like to talk to someone professionally – or if she would be willing to do so.

Rather than trying to convince your daughter that she has lovely features, I would suggest trying to engage with her in some ongoing activities that are not focused on appearance. Is there something that the two of you both enjoy or care about? If not, try to find something. Invite her to volunteer with you at the humane society, take modern dance or yoga, or go to a poetry class. If there is an activity she is interested in, but she doesn’t want you to join her, offer to pay and drive her if she promises to go out with you for ice cream or tea or whatever after each class. Then just enjoy the time together. Don’t get hung up on my specific examples of “things to do,” but allow yourself to be creative and think about what you know about what your daughter loves or is naturally good at. That way, when you are involved in or hearing about the activity, you can genuinely compliment her about things that touch her heart and help her to develop a stronger sense of who she is beyond how she looks.

I hope this helps a little. If not, write back with more information, ok?

Best wishes, Kathy Kater